I wrote a Facebook post last year (which I can't easily find, shouldn't they have a search function? Dammit - I might have been incredibly eloquent and now I can't find it!) in which I said that the phrase "Everything happens for a reason" or any of the religious or secular versions of this idea are all bullshit. I said that we tell ourselves this lie so that when bad things happen, we can give ourselves solace that it wasn't our fault, that everything will work out, that when God closes a door, he opens a window. What? This thinking inevitably leads to living in the never-happened past, the "what if" world instead of dealing with the "right-now" one.
What difference does it make, really, when you are upset, or disappointed, or devastated, or tormented with grief, whether your circumstances makes sense to someone else? It seems a thin hope that you will look back one day and have some epiphany about how bad things or speed bumps forced changes that led you to new places. Of course they did! But even good things - unexpected wonderful gifts - lead us into new frames of mind, make us see the world anew, make us smile more, treat each other with grace and kindness, because we are happy. And when we are happy, we want everyone to be happy too. Even the assholes. Because if they spent a little more time in genuine joy, they spend a little less time irritating the rest of us. (Feel free to steal that Hallmark.) We are moving forward all the time, whether we think we are or not.
So, even though I understand this in concept, it doesn't mean that I live it like Buddha. None of us can, except maybe the Dalai Lama, but I bet even he gets a little cranky from time to time. (Another gem for the greeting card industry, you're welcome.) I've applied for jobs I didn't get, hoped for promotions that didn't work out, submitted stories that did not get published, and the granddaddy of all disappointments, I've experienced that no-rules, alien planet, you-can't-do-anything-right thing called love. You'll learn nothing from me about that, though, so instead - I want to tell you about what I've learned from others around me who are living it and inspiring me to be better.
We don't go through anything all alone. We are not on an island of one. This isn't a whole "We're there for you" speech, what I mean is, all the things we do, feel, react to, fight against, affect those around us. How do you explain to kids about cancer? About divorce? About depression or illness? About getting fired or laid off? How do we talk to our families, our friends? How do we unintentionally model for those who look to us for guidance on what being grown-up or professional or compassionate is all about? Because of us, will they believe that being an adult is awful, stressful, shouty, angry, or alone? Will our colleagues believe that if you have responsibility, your personal life is over or that you can't be funny, or human, or a mentor to others who might one day want your job? Or will they see us dealing with the tough stuff imperfectly, working through it, asking for help when we need it, and moving on? There are people in my life doing this right now, some of them with more than one terrible thing at the same time. How much are they teaching us all about resilience, flexibility, resourcefulness, and wellness?
For my friends with kids/grandkids, I am in awe of your control, your generosity, your willingness to be human, and to teach your young ones that although life throws curve balls, they always have the ability to grow and learn, and to form and maintain healthy relationships and friendships that will support them for a lifetime.
My sister and I were raised by a single mother, not perfect by any means, but I remember her frustration when she felt overwhelmed turning into "let's give this a try." She didn't wait to be saved, she rolled her sleeves up and got started even if the outcome was uncertain. She was also a fan of "Let's see where this road goes." Not too shabby as role models go, I think.
And I work with some exceptional people who are much better than I at handling the stress, the ridiculous, the absurd, the bullies, and the unfair. Some have dealt with unimaginable hardship including the loss of a child, spouse or parent, heartbreaking diagnoses, and other challenges that might break those less strong. They move forward with grace. I learn from them everyday. I am a better person for the example they set.
I spent a good chunk of time last week setting up a "Celebration of Life" honoring a close friend I lost last year. And I ventured out and met new people on Friday. The new don't replace the old, but each day, we are given the opportunity to make connections that might change our lives. My best friends were once strangers to me. Don't take that too lightly. You might be the inspired or the one inspiring or both.
So the point of this rambling - it's not enough to try and understand life and the "whys" of it all. I can only live it the best I can, as you can, for yourself and the ones around you. Be the one who doesn't let bitterness poison chances for happiness. Allow yourself to love again, even if it won't follow any script. Don't hide or fear or stay stuck, especially if you have small ones who look to you for how to live this crazy, confusing life. Try. Ask for help. Both are critical lessons. Take the lemons and find a way to use them. I'm more of an iced tea girl than lemonade, but find a way to use what you have MacGyver-style and move forward. It's healthier for you and everyone around you. Recognize that you don't know it all - none of us do - so there's going to be some trial and error involved. Be okay with saying you're sorry when you mess up. Don't let fear of failure keep you from trying to make it work. Take care of the people in your life. Make the time for them. It's good for you, too. And bring pie. Everyone loves pie.
So my thanks to all of you who have helped to keep me in the present and moving forward. You inspire me everyday. I hope one day to return the favor. :)
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