I don’t mind that we disagree sometimes. I really don’t. If
you say, “I’m concerned about immigration or allowing refugees in the US
because of some things I’ve read about its impact in other countries. I want to
know more before I feel okay about that.” I’d probably say, “I want to know more
about that too. Show me what you find.”
Then it becomes an opportunity for us to examine an issue
and learn more and maybe we find some common ground. Or not. But if we approach
it like this, even if we disagree or we don’t feel the same way, I can still
feel okay about our conversation.
But sometimes when sharing your concerns, I don’t hear it
like this. I hear:
Muslims rape and kill people.
Black people hate cops and shoot them at BLM protests.
Protesters loot.
Rape culture isn’t real and persecutes white fraternity
boys.
And I get upset. And I can’t have a conversation about that
because:
Individual people rape and kill other individual people.
Sure, there are some cultural differences that belittle women in general, but
that has less to do with religion than control and it happens everywhere, including
here. Right here. By people who look like us, were raised like us, and
sometimes by the very people who did
raise us.
And, if there was an environment where rape was somehow more
acceptable, would we immediately want to assist any woman or child who needed
to escape that? Wouldn’t we want those kids to grow up somewhere we don’t
condone that treatment?
Protesters weren’t burning CVS stores and beating people,
rioters were. Rioters are opportunists and will do it at rallies, protests,
natural disasters – anytime they think the police are busy elsewhere. It has
nothing to do with the protest except setting. Protesters marched and protested
every day of the Freddie Gray trials without incident. Peaceful protests are a
constitutional right. Harming people or property is not and is not okay.
Rape culture is real even if it hasn’t affected you. It’s
not a punchline. It’s not about to diminish either if a presidential candidate
can say “I just grab them by the pussy” and is cheered instead of prosecuted.
The poor and unfair treatment of others is real.
Imagine this for a moment:
You are pulled off an account that you set up because your
boss thinks the client might respond to someone more handsome or younger or
less “ethnic” or more Christian. The account goes to someone else, and maybe
they are even a good employee, but they didn’t bring this client to the table,
you did.
You are “uninvited” to an event after work because you don’t
attend church regularly and someone with “no grounding in faith” might not
behave appropriately with work colleagues and embarrass the company in some
way.
You are removed from the list going to a cool conference
because you are unmarried and your colleagues are uncomfortable with traveling
with an unmarried person. Surely you will act inappropriately or even if you
don’t, people will talk about it and appearances matter.
You get talked over in meetings, and by people who
understand less, but think they know more because you are just a dude. When
they do let you speak, your ideas are either called “too aggressive” or
“uninformed” because of associations they have with “male traits.” Or your
ideas are appropriated by others and you are not mentioned. They may not even
realize that they do it because it happens so often. Like yesterday.
You meet a girl at a bar and she’s really flirty. You are
polite but when she pushes you or gets grabby, you decline her invitation to
“go somewhere.”. She then makes you feel unsafe to the point that you have to
call a friend to come get you or ask the bouncer/manager/cop to escort you to
your car. You hope she doesn’t follow you or have a gun. (Multiply this by 100
and sub in ANY location, including work)
You have to be careful that you don’t get drugged, even by
an acquaintance, when you are out, because it’s happened to your friends. You
start to watch out for other guys just in case. You can’t accept when someone
buys you a drink if you didn’t watch the bartender make or pour it because t
isn’t safe.
You regularly have members of the opposite sex show you
their genitals and make lewd or violent comments. No one does anything about
it. They regularly holler obscene or frightening things as they drive by or you
walk past where they work.
You know that you expected to have sex or “make out” when
dating someone new if they have bought you drinks or dinner. If you do not want
to, sometimes they get angry and threaten you. You have learned to watch for
that anger and sometimes are too accommodating to stay safe long enough to get
away. (Multiply this by 200)
Your genitals are grabbed by strangers without your consent.
Yes, it happens. It’s happened to me in the last year. It’s not a
hypothetical. And that’s not counting
the “accidental” butt grabs, the hands sliding between butt cheeks on the way
to the restroom, the breast grazes, the “it’s crowded” full body feel-ups, and
all the verbal stuff. It’s continuous and it happens to every woman I know, all
the time.
It’s brushed off as “boys will be boys,” but it’s not okay.
This is real for all women. Individual women. Women that you
know, that you date, that you raised, that you love. All women. But that
doesn’t mean that we automatically hate men. We don’t blame the entire sex for
behavior by individuals, but we are sensitive to it. We cannot condone excuses
for it. We can’t encourage it or turn a blind eye to it. It’s not okay. We want
to be reassured that the men in our lives aren’t these guys; that they don’t
identify with these guys. We want to feel safe. We want to be valued as a human
being. We want to let our guard down.
So when I hear that rape culture is a media thing or that
the victims are the boys, the athletes, the honor students, I can’t. I just
can’t. The girls (or boys as applicable)
being victimized are just as human.
Just as worthy of basic human consideration.
These things have happened to me and I like to think that I
am more careful than most. I surround myself with people I trust. I don’t currently
attend high school or college where this is rampant. I work in a professional
job. And yet it still happens to me. Not by groups or ethnicities or religions
or political affiliates – these are individual people taking advantage of
situations to intimidate or demean or attack or scorn another individual. I
don’t know how to fight that except to be kind to others as an individual.
If you have a better idea, I’m open to hearing it. But let’s
remember that we are talking about real human beings. Once we become
comfortable devaluing a group of “others” it becomes all too easy to devalue
anyone. And we should be better than that.
Here's a great article by Gretchen Kelly: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/gretchen-kelly/the-thing-all-women-do-you-dont-know-about_b_8630416.html
