Sex and the Single Girl

I'm no Helen Gurley Brown - not even a Natalie Wood for those of you who saw the film, but I have spent many years navigating relationships, both real and fictional, as a single woman. And I've written about relationships for single female characters.  The writing part is just as hard as the  real-life dating part. And, if you can believe it, sometimes way more awkward. So I decided to do some research.

My MFA program requires a third term essay - twenty five pages on some aspect of craft that should assist my literary efforts. I chose as my title Characters Behaving Badly: Writing Uncomfortable Scenes of Sex and Violence.  Right?  Sex scenes are difficult to write well. They just sound awkward or cheesy or just awful. I refer you to the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy if you doubt me, with all of Anastasia's inner goddess moments. (I will say, however, that in spite of the  book's flaws - and there are so, so many - that they sparked so much healthy conversation about sex, what's considered normal or erotic or out of bounds, along with a generous dose of curiosity, that I can't hate on them too much. Plus, the movie trailer looks hot.)

There were fewer resources for writing good sex scenes than scenes of violence, and the ones I did find were not really academic in nature. When you boil it down, though, the advice for writing both were more or less the same. In most cases, less is more, although you want to evoke a reaction. Clearly not the same reaction, but inspiring an emotional response with words is what we writers strive for. Also, how a character (or a human, single woman) deals with crime or fear or injustice tells as much as how they would interact with lovers or friends or spouses. Are they comfortable talking about it? Are they natural reactions to stress? For writers like me who tell crime stories, talking about violence is a necessity. And characters exposed to violence are likely to seek out human connection as a method for dealing with that violence, especially if there is looming danger. Carpe diem and all. So I have to practice until it becomes a skill, just like any other.

I've been blessed with great writing mentors, especially in this program, but finding mentors for one's real life is so much harder. I've mentioned in an earlier blog post that following advice from sources like Cosmopolitan or - God help you - HBO leads nowhere but disaster. Seriously. Friends might be helpful, but in the U.S. we aren't so great about communicating or educating about sex. There's Google - good luck with that. We tend to rely upon experience, so that's a lottery we might win or lose. We also tend to have completely skewed ideas about what other people are doing or know or consider normal or kinky or off limits. Finding one's way requires some trust, some courage, some luck, and some help. Please don't rely entirely on 50 Shades! Instead, take a look at this series of youtube videos that both answer way more questions than you thought you had and also can provide some insight for characters who may have different experiences, needs, issues, or assumptions from your own. Let your characters be their own people with believable critical detail. Because that critical detail is what makes the scene, no matter what  story you are telling.

Sexplanations - Bring Your Sexy Back

On a side note - I'm not terribly prudey. I think more knowledge is better than less in most cases. I think questions are usually a good idea although please see my note about context and consent below.  If you are not comfortable with sex, don't have it. If you aren't comfortable writing about it, don't do it unless it furthers your story. Don't add it for the sake of a writing checklist. And, although I understand sex as a natural expression of emotion or intimacy or release of tension between real people, I also understand that this has to be case for both parties. Consent is real and should extend to others being okay with even the discussion of sex, especially out of context. So don't assume it's fine with your coworker or your friend or even your date to launch into detail about what you do or don't do in the bedroom or on the dining room table while having coffee or lunch or even drinks in a bar. Know your audience people! On the other hand, it's hard for people to talk about it, so if someone comes to you for information, for guidance, even if the topic is uncomfortable (this could apply to so many topics), please consider speaking frankly and with understanding if you can. People are driven to desperate acts in the absence of support and information. Sometimes listening without judgment is the best help out there. Try and remember that we are all stupid and crazy and blind and brave and afraid when in love. Don't shortchange yourselves or the characters you write from the same richness of experience.

Happy writing, and if you are out there in the dating pool - best of luck to you! If you are a writer and looking for a good program, check out University of Tampa's low residency program here.